So I have to confess something. My BIL (brother in law) is a very sweet guy. Considerate and caring, simple and genuine, and he possesses many endearing qualities. However, note that BRAINPOWER is NOT one of his strong-points alluded to in the aforementioned list. Nor is vision, insight, understanding, logic, comprehension, aptitude, intelligence, cleverness, awareness, wisdom, ability, forethought, or knowledge.

My wife told me this story, and I could NOT believe it. Really… I was stupefied. In truth, I could believe it, but I didn’t really want to — and I had to see it for myself before accepting it as reality. To me, it’s something you might see on a reality TV show: real, but surreal.

Now as I tell you about this little Home Improvement episode (it really does remind me a bit of the TV show), I’m sure you will undoubtedly say “I know someone like that.” So it’s not as if this is a uniquely Ukrainian quality (or deficiency). It definitely happens elsewhere on the planet. After all, he had to have acquired the ability to perform such fixit feats from experiences in his past (parenting, childhood, teenage years, work (furniture design), etc…. and YES, he does design furniture, which makes this EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE.

However, this is a true story, it DID happen to our family, and it DID HAPPEN AT OUR FAMILY SUMMER HOUSE (Dacha). For me, this is like “hitting below the belt,” and strikes a bit too close to home than I’d like to admit. But then again, I’m submitting this family secret to the entire internet-connected world through my weblog.

This being said, I’d like to state, for the record, that Andre is a brother-IN-LAW. And there is no, lest I repeat, NO SHARED BLOOD between us. Alrighty then…

Here’s how the story goes…

The summer house outer door (there are two doors at the entrance) tends to expand and contract with changing seasonal influences. In the fall/winter, it absorbs moisture from the surrounds (air) and, consequently, expands a bit. Sure, sure, the door was never hung quite perfectly anyway (many years ago), so when it expands a bit, the door swells to the point where it begins to bind in the door jamb. Initially just a little snug, it did seem to be getting worse as the Fall progressed. No BIG deal, but it did become more and more difficult to close the door completely – and subsequently, opening it became less easy as time wore on.

So one solution is to fix the hinge(s) so that the door hangs properly! What a concept!! But that would require WAY too much effort. Removing the door, unscrewing the hinges, re-surfacing the jamb and/or chiseling away a bit of wood (if needed), re-attaching the hinges, and re-hanging the door. Whoa — soooooo much effort (not)! Incidentally, this was done without my knowledge or supervision, when I was on holiday back in the USA.

Another solution –> you can see below. Simply shave off the offending edge of the door so that it doesn’t bind in the frame anymore. I think he pulled off about 2-3 mm.

Well, that worked for a little while, but of course the door continued to expand with the onslaught of moisture included in the Ukrainian weather.

So the next idea is the real shocker. Shaving the door, though not elegant or pretty, seems like a logical approach, right? Especially if it’s just a “summer house,” and the cosmetic appearances of most everything out in the Ukrainian countryside is a bit “rough around the edges.”

Anyhow, the door is fabricated from several pieces of wood, needless to say. It appeared that the joints between the peripheral boards were the primary culprits of the expanding problem. So BIL reckoned that putting brackets on the door might prevent further expansion. Plus, if we squeezed the door together before installing the brackets, we may, quite possibly, eliminate the the door’s unshapely inadequacies altogether.

Of course, we didn’t have the proper brackets — which is why I balked at the idea when I was asked to fix the door before my trip to San Diego. But, that didn’s stop BIL.

So from the outside, this is what our door looks like. Pretty standard, I suppose.

From the inside, it looks like this:

So you can already see the finished product: Brackets (8) have been installed on the inner surface of the door in an attempt to hold the door “together,” preventing further expansion.

Now I have to say, it even looks OK. Perhaps it’s not the most attractive solution, but remember, we are at our summer shack, I mean house. It’s still a work in progress, big time, and someday if we need to buy a new door we can do it. But for the time being, perhaps slapping on some brackets (however flimsy they may be — and trust me, they aren’t made of the thickest steel I’ve ever seen.

Nevertheless, from a birdseye view, all is OK. Good job Bro!

Upon closer inspection, below is a close-up photograph of the bracket (top right one).

Note how the door doesn’t even look like it’s coming apart, but what the hell — let’s mount some brackets anyway. We have them, and we have the screws, so why not.

Well, how do I say this ?????….

Above is a screw on the left, and a nail on the right. Right?

Sure, it’s obvious.

And don’t you know…

… you use a screwdriver (above, left) to install screws, and a hammer (above, right) to install (hammer in) nails.

I think this is pretty straightforward, and something we learn in kindergarden (or earlier). Am I right?

Well on this day, the day the brackets were installed, BIL was running a bit short on time. Plus, it was a bit cold, and he couldn’t be bother to find the screwdriver. And, it was tooooo far to walk the 10 meters to look for the drill, and way too difficult to try to find an extension cord.

Soooo, have you guessed it yet?

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

Tick,

Tock,

* * * * * * * * *

That’s it,

Time’s up!

* * * * * * * * *

I SHIT YOU NOT…

Andre HAMMERED IN THE SCREWS TO MOUNT THE BRACKETS

He couldn’t be troubled to extend the energy required to find/use a screwdriver, and he was too lazy to get the right electric tools for installing the brackets properly.

So, I have to say it again, with my eyes closed, hands covering my face in despair, head lowered in front of me…

HE HAMMERED THE SCREWS

I don’t even know what else to say. I am completely dumbfounded, and even though he’s not a blood-brother, I’m ashamed. What in God’s name was he thinking? Does he NOT know that threads on a screw are intended to SLICE their way through the wood — and that is the ONLY way that they would/could function as a screw? Holy-moly.

Am I alone on this one? What is going on? Where am I? What am I doing here? Somebody help!!!!

Get me OUTTA HERE!!!!!   Mommy!

If he would have killed himself while installing the brackets, somehow, he just might have won a 1st place Darwin Award.