I was laughing the other day when I was talking to my brother in the States. He asked how everything was going with the expecting to be, and I said “just fine.” He asked what we were up to, and I said that the wife is making some drapes.

Our room without the drapes on the far wall.

He stopped. He laughed. He doubted that it was true. I said, “no really, she’s making drapes right now.”

He replied and said that every single one of (4 or 5) of the pregnant women he has come across in the last few months have made drapes. I’m wondering… how in the hell does that come up as a topic? I mean, it’s not an everyday question, is it?

Did he find that the first one was making drapes, thought it to be highly unusual, and then asked each and every subsequent expecting mother what she has done to prepare for the baby? At the time, I was also dumbfounded, and didn’t think to ask. These questions are somewhat rhetorical in nature, as I doubt I will get an answer unless my brother reads my blog and wants to chime in.

He, he… maybe I’ll subscribe him to my blog notification He’s my brother, I can do that.

Shopping for Drapery. Has anyone seen a shrubbery around here?

So as you can see, the “making drapes” thing was for real. And after Bro mentioned it, I thought it would be good to document our drape production, if for nothing other than posterity. Plus, I can then show it to you!!! How, utterly, exciting!!!

Walking the Drapery Aisles

We had to choose one pattern, and this is it! It matches the room OK, I love the BLING, and it's pretty thick so as to not allow too much light through. You should see the back side!

Layed out and ironed, we (used overtly proverbially) measured, and made final preparations for sewing. No, I'm not exactly sure why the picture is squashed.

THERE SHE IS –> hard at work. She's damn good at it too!

Here's a close up of her fine needlework. Where's the damn ring I bought you?

The drapes are hung and opened (night time)

Here is what it looks like in the daytime, with the drapes drawn. However, we open them during the day, and close them at night, usually!

That’s all for now. Exciting stuff going on here in Kiev!

Is it really the middle of February already? Yikes!

It was a shocker when I first arrived, but I’ve since become accustomed to it. However, I was doing the dishes today and I once again was dumbfounded by our home’s cutlery options:

We have 6 metal forks.

We have 1 metal butter knife.

ONE.

We have ~15-20 spoons (both small and large). Most food gets eaten with spoons
We have a satisfactory number of larger cooking utensils (scoopers, strainers, etc.)
We have NO knives over ~5 inches long, and all knives are dull. I try to sharpen them occasionally, but I’m no professional. I’m going to buy some real knives this week, I promise.
We have 4 glasses (mixed). All are small (~200 mL). We routinely have 5 people eating. Go figure.

We have ~20 assorted plates, ~20 various sized bowls and ~20 small serving dishes (2-3″ diameter), and sometimes ALL of them get used in a single meal. Mom is a masochistic dish user… and she loves to complain about doing all the dishes.

Well — PERHAPS DON’T USE EVERY DISH AND IT WON’T BE SO BAD?!?!?  Damn…
Of course, we cannot help but use all of the forks, knives, and glasses. Well… not exactly all of them, because we do have our good stuff (the “china”) in the cabinet, which is busted out for holidays only.

OK, gotta jam,

Snotty

… is what you should be calling the primary wallpaper producer in Soviet countries. Whomever introduced wallpaper to this culture was a genius, from a business point-of-view.

Wallpaper is everywhere. Closets, bathrooms, kitchens, living rooms, hallways, shelves, doors; We even have some on our hallway ceiling. Perhaps ceiling paper would be a more accurate term — and maybe we could market it that way .

Anyway, I thought I’d give you an idea of the wallpapering in our house.

The first picture is in our room. It’s actually the living room, which has been unofficially converted into our bedroom since we moved home. This paper is actually quite pleasant, and with its golden leaves, makes for a warm and palacial-like environment.

The second picture shows the hallway wallpaper. The First one shows what’s glued to the walls — some kinda funky tan, leafy, bizzaro, pseudo-marbley paper. It’s alright, I suppose. It definitely makes it difficult to notice scuff marks, bumps, and scratches that one would normally identify on a flat-painted wall. That being said, I’m not a huge fan of the color. Moreover, I’m not a fan of whomever applied it to the walls; the contractor (which was probably Dad and BIL) should have been fired.

….

Also, I don’t show a picture of it in our room, but as with most wallpapers I’ve seen here there is an extra “strip” of wallpaper (trim; sorta like moulding; bought at the same time, to match) that runs along the junction of the wall and ceiling (placed at the top of the wall, not on the ceiling, obviously — or not so obviously around here, actually). In the second picture you can see this feature, as well as the incredible new feature — ceiling paper. I didn’t take a close-up picture of the ceiling, but I think you can sorta see it; it’s a light brown, drab, uninteresting, overlapping (note the lines) and occasionally peeling inverted surface covering. It is a “speckly” golden splotchy-like design. What can I say? It seems to fit with the Russian’s grasp of “style,” which, IMHO, leaves much to be desired. You should have seen their New Year’s celebrations on TV – hysterical.

I haven’t taken pictures of the paper in the 3 other bedrooms of the house — but believe me… they are guaranteed to be of the highest quality.

The next image (left) is of the wallpaper that was put on the door that separates the kitchen and the connecting hallway with the bathroom (and loo). Yes, I said it was put on the DOOR! Maybe it should be called door-paper, no? In the center of the door is a large pane of glass. I guess the family wanted a bit more separation for the kitchen… or, more likely, whomever was in the kitchen didn’t want to exposed to (quite literally) people going to/fro the bathroom. Anyhow, the doorpaper design is bad — like a 70’s discotheque slathered in silver, gold, and gray. Curious lines with trippy diamonds and such. Furthermore, note the quality of the application! Geez… Again, they should be fired!
The last true “wall”paper image is from the kitchen (кухня). I suppose it’s alright if you like little brown mountains (arrowheads) with a blue stripe over the top, with a slightly splotchy off-white background. What more can I say? I think it’s horrible, and was probably on sale – big time.

Actually, I just found out that this is the only wallpaper in the house that is washable! Makes sense to have it in the kithen, I suppose. But that doesn’t solve the problem of having a blind person pick it out.

Another interesting functional aspect of wallpapering throughout the house (no picture), is that it is often used as conduit. Yep, it gets pasted right over unprotected wiring. I’m sure it’s up to code… yeah, right!. Actually, it may be — because I’m questioning whether or not there is any “building code” here. (fine, fine, that’s a slight exaggeration).

But seriously, if you ever need to do something to the wiring (which happens quite often around here), you are required to rip it out, right through the wallpaper. Yep, I had to do it!
Finally, the wallpaper is often used for shelf-paper. Sure, sure, I know it’s a fairly common practice elsewhere in world. I just thought I’d point it out. This image is from our kitchen, from the shelf where we keep our tea (чай). It’s too hard to describe the design… but it is colorful!

Incidentally, I just added Russian letters (cyrillic) to my keyboard — so I will try to point out some basic Russian words that I know — just for fun.
So, whomever introduced the concept of wallpaper to the Russians (Ukrainians, and others) has got to be absolutely filthy rich by now.

Our house is NOT UNIQUE. Virtually every residential space I’ve seen has been adorned by a wide variety of wallpapers. I find it particularly fascinating to be awestruck by the “surprising” change in patterns and styles from one room to the next. Really… sometime you should see it for yourself – it is quite stunning. If you are not prepared, you may want to bring a chair along with you wherever you go… because you may very well need to sit down – before you fall down.

Also, think for a moment, if you will, about a time and place… no wait. No, think about all of the wallpaper in all of these apartments!!!

I’m not sure why it’s sooo desirable to cover up walls with paper, and why a flat paint is so universally and culturally “unacceptable.” What’s even funnier is that Russians tend to hang things… like RUGS, on top of the wallpaper. In fact, in our bedroom there is a large rug covering the majority of the biggest wall. And… yes, it’s for decoration.

Ahhhh…. seeing how other cultures operate and live is both a wonderful and priceless experience. I feel that it’s helping to tear down the cultural wallpaper I have stuck to my own corneas — after all, I’m an American, and grew up as such, and have those tendencies built into my expectations of the world around me. But such attitudes and prefabricated judgments are changing in me, slowly.

Nevertheless, I find it amusing that wallpaper has truly penetrated the cultural identity of the Russians, and become a near-permanent fixture throughout their homes. After all, it adds “style,” ya know!

I’m not sure why, but I’m continuing on, somewhat, with my bathroom post…

I’m really not a scrooge… or a cynic… or even a clean freak (far from it); but I cannot seem to shake the need (desire) to fill in the rest of the world on everyday life in Ukraine. I’m sure it happens everywhere — but I’m here, and I’m telling you what it’s like here. And because I come from a relatively wealthy and clean environment, I find myself continually stunned about some hygiene habits. I’m sure that my professional training is contributing (consciously or subconsciously) to some of these thoughts… but nevertheless, I feel obliged to share them.

Moreover, I’d like to know whether or not other people think like me? God help them, if they do…

….

What do people think about sharing toothpaste tubes? Sure, sharing with your spouse, or even your kids goes without saying. But what about other people in your household. What about brother in laws, and their girlfriends that he brings over? What about your mother or father in law? What about the snot-nosed 8-yr old that licks the top of the tube?
Granted, there are many more important things in life to concern myself with – but this was on my mind, and it’s my blog.

The family has been sharing one tube of toothpaste (on the bathroom shelf). It gets gooey and gunky around the cap by the time it’s half gone (or half full – if you are a dedicated optimist). The goo or crusty paste isn’t inherently gross — but when I consider that BIL’s toothbrush dragged across the top of the tube not 10 minutes before I got to it, I stop, stare, and wonder if I really, really want to put that bit of toothpaste at the top of the tube (with bristle streaks still fresh) onto my toothbrush — and into my mouth.

So after 6 months, I was in the market yesterday and decided to get my own tube of Colgate. It was about 90 cents (USD). For peace of mind, and never having to think about it again — that is perhaps the best 90 cents I’ve ever spent.

I decided soon after I arrived in Kyiv that I would keep my mouthguard (my dentist said if I don’t get one, I’ll be chewing my food with “nubs” when I’m 60 — so I got one) and my toothbrush in my room. This was precipitated by the fact that all toothbrushes (6 or so) are left in a cup above our bathroom sink — all touching each other; which is nasty.

They all think I’m nuts, I’m sure. But I don’t care. Now I’m keeping my beautiful tube of Colgate in my room. My room (shared with my wife) is the only semi-personal space in the apartment. So, whenever I brush my teeth, I simply open my own tube, take a bit on my nice, clean toothbrush, and walk to the bathroom. My wife even thinks I’ve gone a bit overboard here.

Am I paranoid, freaky, silly, or ???

Perhaps not the most appetizing of topics, but it is certainly worthy of some discussion. If you are easily offended, you may want to skip this post.

Our family, as all other families in these Soviet style apartment blocks must do, shares the use of a central bathroom. It is actually divided into the loo (toilet room, or туалет) and the shower (душ); and they are side by side. The shower room has the washing machine, a sink, and a tub/shower with a portable showerhead. More on this room in another post. This one is dedicated to the loo.

I’m assuming ours is the same (or of very similar) style as most all residences that have not been remodeled. Our unit is fairly large as a 4-bedroom, so I can only guess that smaller units also have only one toilet. Moreover, the block-style buildings have identical floorplans as you go vertically… so it is a logical assumption (I think).

So our toilet room is approximately 1 meter by less than a meter. Yep, kinda claustrophobic for my taste, but hey, it’s a loo — get in, get out is my philosophy. Furthermore, considering all the dastardly bathroom conditions around the world, this is a “palace” of a loo.

The family was thoughtful enough to buy a new toilet before we arrived. I can only imagine what the previous one was like. Nevertheless, as I said before, this was a very thoughtful and considerate gesture. In fact, as far as toilets go, I might even say this one is beautiful! As is common in these parts, is is a dual flusher. The left button is for liquids only, the right for more extended bathroom visits. However, I have a feeling that the toilet was one of those advertised all over town on huge, brightly-colored orange billboards: “new toilet, only 186 grivna,” (like $35 USD) at the local super center for building materials and construction supplies. I say this sarcastically because the toilet, though it does function properly, also has one major flaw: it splashes.

… Yes, splashes.

You, are telling me? No shit it’s disgusting (pun intended). Who the hell designed a toilet that splashes toilet water on the seat and beyond — even for half flushes? Duuuuuude. F’n retards. Thank God for disinfectant. I think I’m gonna drop a brick in the tank to reduce the flush flow and extra-bowl events. What can one do? I suppose we could buy a new one. But damned if I’m gonna look like an American “prince” that needs everything to be perfect in order to live here. So, I’m dealing with it the best I can. I try not to think about it, but it is hard.

Moving on…

After about a week of befriending the new porcelain receptacle, I began noticing some unusual sounds in the room. Although I could subtly hear the neighbors, either upstairs or downstairs (I’m not sure) through the fan-less vent near the ceiling, these are not the sounds I’m referring to. These curious and foreign sounds were infrequent and sporadic, and were “flowing” sounds. I pinpointed these sounds to my left, posterior space quadrant, while sitting. After the 10th time, I realized that this was not simply a novel, unidentifiable, structural building sound. It had a characteristic and repeatable tempo and intensity. ‘What the hell is that sound?’ I asked myself.

Well, it didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure it out. The standpipe on the right (see picture) is the main sewer pipe for all of the apartments in our vertical space. Being that we are on the 5th floor of the building, there are several floors above us that communally utilize this drain.

Upon further investigation, I began noticing when people upstairs were taking a shower, washing dishes, or unfortunately, had flushed the toilet. It’s mostly the volume and constancy of the flow that helps to identify the source. On occasion you hear a distinct “burst” of flow. “This can be only one thing,” I say to my self. Yep, I’m sure you guessed it as well. Sewer trouts. Damn, that is a disgusting deduction. Sure, I know this happens all over the world, every instant of every day. But generally you don’t hear them flow by. Moreover, they don’t swim by your head. Actually, to be more accurate, the disintegrating masses are in a freefall to the gut of the building.

I suppose I should be happy that we (at least) have water and sewers to carry the defecation away. But to think that while you are seated at the throne, someone else (positioned immediately above you in vertical space, mind you!) just stood up and flushed one down is perhaps one of the grossest bathroom visions I’ve ever had. You cannot help but look up at the ceiling and imagine… uggghhhh.

Now, every time I hear one pass by in the pipe, I can’t help but think to myself about the cause and effect of the sound. OK, fine, that’s an exaggeration. I’ve now come to terms with our communal 4″ pipe. In fact, I sometimes praise the pipe that serves all of our building’s daily needs. Without it we would be up shit creek without a drain.

Before I arrived, there was nothing to deal with the odors that routinely emanate from the loo. I was somewhat shocked by this lack of concern. Particularly because some members of the household tend to smell up, no, destroy the bathroom, if you catch my drift. No wonder the wallpaper is peeling. I mandated that there be some sort of air freshener and matches available at all times.

Much better. But getting people to routinely use them is another matter. This was most evident when BIL made use of the facility in a dastardly, dare I say devious, manner. I considered it so because the rest of the family was in the kitchen when the aforementioned destruction took place. Also, it now needs to be noted that the kitchen is immediately adjacent to the loo, which is an unfortunate design if you ask me. I suppose it is convenient from a plumbing standpoint, but… damn! Anyhow, we were eating peacefully, when without warning the loo door opened and BIL quickly walked the other way. BLAMMO! The noxious gas hit us all like a tidal wave. We all lost our appetite instantly. He HAD TO KNOW that this was one of his most toxic episodes, and he failed to launch preventative measures to reduce odor diffusion.
BIL was chastised about it later. Characteristically, he pledged ignorance to his own malodorous, bowel-borne extravasation. Asshole. He knows his shit smells bad. Thankfully I think he has learned, and has recently begun lighting a match to cover up his (which is by far the worst in the family) microbial stench.

A couple of other things that are worth mentioning. Not that it is a big deal, but is seems that Russians are a bit paranoid about having any electrical outlets in/around areas where there is water (or even water vapor). Consequently, there are no power outlets or light switches INSIDE either the toilet or shower rooms. This is quite a pain for shaving, as an extension cord must be used. Same goes for the hair dryer and the washing machine. So much for blocking out the sound. The bigger issues is that the light switches are OUTSIDE the rooms. So, occasionally someone switches the lights off while you are doing your thing — thinking that nobody is in the bathroom. Hopefully they hear you scream to turn it back on. Years ago, when the kids were, kids, they would routinely turn the lights off while their siblings were busy. Yeah. Funny. The first time.

Another, slightly more disturbing aspect of the loo room is the lack of privacy. For whatever reason, the door appears to be made without any insulation. The sounds coming from the loo pass right through the door as if there were no door. In fact, I want to say that the sounds are amplified by the shape of the room. There is no hiding ALL sounds — and when you have company over, this is just embarrassing, bordering on unacceptable. I think I may go buy a seal for the door, and tile the inner surface too. Something has to be done… it is nauseating.

Lastly, because I’ve got to get to work…

Toilet paper deserves a comment. For eons they (Russians / Ukrainians) have not known what consideration has been given to the routine wiping of one’s bum in the developed world. Most people here continue to use the standard cardboard-like material that adorns market shelves everywhere. In fact, it is cheap (25 cents) and comes in 65m rolls. But damn, this stuff is NOT soft. I think one roll out of 30 has been semi-soft. For evidence of its stiffness, have a look at the second picture of the post above; note how the paper defies gravity as it comes out of the holder. Moreover, absorbency remains a foreign word here. On occasion I go to the market and buy some Charmin, just to treat us. Neeless to say, this is viewed as a total luxury here. I’m sure they think I’m a prince. (but then again, I’ve noticed them replenishing the supplies with the soft rolls when the stiff stuff is right there — so I know they like it too — which makes me happy!)

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Without notice, they (local maintenance people) turned the water off today. Luckily it was only for about an hour. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen just before flushing…