I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but just never got around to saying it.

Short and sweet… Here I go.

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SIX-PACK

(6-PACK, 12-PACK, CASE, or otherwise…)

OF BEER IN UKRAINE.

It’s the strangest thing. I mean, I would think that it would foster higher beer consumption when you bundle beers together, no? It should lead to more beer being sold, no? Not to mention the basic fact that using a bit of cardboard to bundle beers together makes them SIGNIFICANTLY easier to carry and transport.

Instead, every beer is sold individually. I’m not kidding! And they sell minis (0.3L), standards (0.5L), large (1.0L), and very large (2.0L) beers.

Instead of this:

You have this:

Strange. Really. Especially because there is so much beer being consumed.

I see a business opportunity here.

Maybe someone else knows something about the market that I don’t.

I was on the metro yesterday and I noticed a big yellow sign (advertisement) on the inside wall of the train car (actually, several different train cars). It said “earn 19.5% interest, guaranteed” at XXX bank. Hard to believe, eh?

First of all, almost nobody here puts their money into the bank. Only people that have to, for tax reasons at their job, leave/put any money into bank accounts. Nobody trusts the banks! It has happened oh so many times… you go to your bank to withdraw, and POOF! –> it is gone! Yep, the “bank” just up-and-left, WITH YOUR MONEY of course!!!

So, why would anyone deposit any money there? Well… for one, they offer 19.5% interest rate (APR). And now, in times of complete global financial turmoil, it seems even more surprising that these “institutions” can offer such a whopping return. But they advertise it. In a year you’ll be lucky if the bank is still there.

Speaking of turnover, there are tons of little banks here. No, not even as big as the independent, “Main Street” savings&loans like in the good ol’ days in America. But teeeny, tiny, questionable, unscrupulous, sleuthy, sneaky, curious, fly-by-night businesses. Did someone say laundering?

Anyhow, back to the 19.5% sticker-shock. I’ve seen these ads before, but for some reason, I never really took them “to heart.” I just ignored them. However, yesterday I couldn’t tear my gaze from the ads. I couldn’t believe they were boasting about being suck “scammers.” Sure, sure, that’s probably not fair for me to judge because I really don’t know if it is, or isn’t, a scam. Nevertheless, I’m confident in saying that I believe, to the best of my ability to understand how money works on this planet, that there is no way that little [shitty] banks can provide such a return while maintaining the utmost integrity with respect to the law. Plus, if this were really the case, and they could in fact guarantee a near 20% return on your investment in 1 year’s time, then WHO WOULDN’T give them their money? People would be flocking to these little banks from across America, Europe, Iceland, etc…

I mean… where else are you GUARANTEED a ~20% return? Stock market – no way. CD’s – not EVEN close. T-Bills – Ha! Startups – not a chance. Hmmmmm……  makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Finally, I found it incredibly amusing to see that they are offering 5-day and 7-day CD’s at the same high rate! No shit! So if you are stupid enough to give them your money, EVEN FOR JUST A WEEK, they can turn it right around and give you 0.375% on your money (19.5%/52 weeks). In other words, give them $1000 and they will give you $3.75 in one week’s time. And of course, if you leave it there for the whole year, you’ll get $195. NOT TOO BAD! (Again, hopefully the bank will be there in a year to give you YOUR money.)

Oh yeah, there’s also the problem of the bank simply NOT GIVING YOU YOUR MONEY. Yep, it happens ALL the time. You deposit money. This time let’s say it’s $100,000 into a 7-day CD at 19.5% APR. Well, in a week you should get your $100,000 back, plus $375. Well — good luck getting your money. It has happened:  you go to the bank, and tell the teller that you want to cash out your 100K. They say “I’m sorry sir, but we can’t give that back to you right now…”  Remember this?

Ha!

I think they’re all crooks. But I’m a pessimist. Inflation (check this, and this) is huge here, and they are predicting that the dollar is going to get stronger and stonger (making the grivna weaker and weaker). At some point, it may just collapse. It has happened before. And no, I seriously doubt the 43 BILLION $ that the world bank gave to Ukraine to stem the collapse of her financial system is going to do anything. I think it’s probably already in the pockets of the politicians. What a joke….

Nevertheless, the banks are quite desperate now. Especially now. They will offer anything to entice grandma to pull out her ~$1000 life savings, that is stuffed in her mattress, and deposit it into the bank. But people know, and People fear, and People simply don’t do it here. It’s just TOO RISKY to give some [questionable] bank their hard-earned, mattress-scented cash!

I think I might buy a safe, and bolt it to the concrete floor I live on.

I’m sorry, but you couldn’t pay me enough to take this job. Sure, I understand that some people are so “down and out” that any job is a good job. Butt really, spending your days in a toilet? Even if it’s the beginning of your life and you are saving money to buy that new toy you want. Even worse, when it’s the twilight of your life… why would someone take this job?

And when I say toilet, I have to clarify. No, this isn’t a nice hotel, restaurant, or theater, where a courteous gentleman or woman in official dress offers to dry your hands or provide you with a squirt of perfume or cologne (perhaps for a dollar) before returning to your seat. Nope. This is a toilet (туалет) that rarely has paper, that may have dividers, that may include porcelain, is generally enclosed without windows, exudes gag-provoking fecal fumes, encourages “no contact” behavior, and sometimes has sufficient lighting to see what you are doing. Then, to add insult to bladder-bursting injury… you have to pay for it.

Butt wait, you cannot simply place a coin in a jar. Someone would steal it… duh! There is actually someone who spends the better part of their waking day (dare I say life) collecting about 15 cents from each customer, per use of the “facility.” Well, unless I feel that I’m about to cause irreversible, irrevocable damage to critical internal organs, I will not pay for a toilet. Something seems wrong about living in a city where people pay taxes and having to pay again to do something that everyone has to do (by design) every single day of their lives. I’d much rather use the need to use the restroom as a good excuse to grab a drink in a local shop that has a bathroom for it’s customers. I guess not everyone can or want to spend money like that.

Nevertheless, when one’s wife is well into her pregnancy, requiring the use of a restroom every hour or two (tops), there are inevitably going to be times when even this place appears like a gold mine. I thought it might be worthy of a picture.

In fact, this was one of the nicer establishments I’ve seen. But when my wife left the corrugated metal enclave, she looked as though she was about to vomit – and not, she wasn’t about to go back inside to do it.

[flashvideo file=videos/toilet.FLV /]

A waddling market goer.

I also began thinking about the money exchange taking place inside. This, I’m afraid, is just wrong. It goes against human nature, I think. One wants to bury the leaves they used to wipe their ass, not use them as “change for a 20.” Talk about speading “germs.” And then I was thinking… the person in the toilet must actually be responsible for cleaning, to some extent. Gnarly.

My advice: Make sure you always carry exact change!

Or, just consider your overpayment a donation to the cause…

I’ve heard that the plastic bag is the bane of some scenic landscapes in this part of the world. I’m sure it must be really bad in some places. Here in Kiev, everyone uses plastic bags, every day, in every way. Of course they are used for garbage, and for containing leaking fluids, among the millions of other uses. And yes, there are plenty of bags floating around without an owner. Fortunately, people often DO recycle plastic bags here, but still, they escape their hominid owners all too often, and drift away in the wind, only to be caught by a tree branch, lay in a gutter, or be collected and subsequently discarded again because it was deemed to be incompetent and/or wortheless. It’s sad, but I’ve witnessed the forests being littered with plastic bags. People here don’t really care for the environment, if you didn’t know. Not sure exactly why. But I guess if I think more about it, there’s all kinds of undesirable crap that people leave in in the forests (and elsewhere). And from that perspective, plastic bags aren’t a big deal, really.

Nevertheless, my primary experience with them is that they cut into my fingers when carrying 10+ kilos of foodstuffs back from the market. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. We don’t have a car! So whatever we wanna eat or whatever we need for our home, we gotta carry. Whenever we leave the house, one of the most common departure questions is “did you grab any bags?” Anyway, going to the market is a daily routine, for the most part. Sometimes it’s just for a light bulb, maybe some dairy and bread, or perhaps just a bit of cat food… but other times we end up loading up. For these outings, one either needs to have SOLIDLYconstructed plastic bags on hand, or an efficient way of carrying multiple bags. If desperate, you can always buy a bag at the market (for cheap), as you might have already guessed.

Anyhow, I’ve learned, even during the summer, that the best way to prevent spilled blood is to keep a pair of gloves with me at all times. Otherwise the time spent in the market, in addition to the time it takes to walk the >0.5km home will leave it’s mark on the skin covering your phalanges. I keep thinking that there needs to be a small, easy to stow, sturdy handle that would facilitate carrying bags, without losing a finger. More accurately, it would prevent circulation loss, tenderness, insensitivity, and freezing of your digits.

Any way you look at it though, the plastic bag is here to stay. My only real complaint now is that I’m carrying too much weight. Actually and to be totally honest (sort of), my arms have begun to hurt. I had my wife take a picture of me after we walked in the door last time…

For a while I was thinking that the bags’ handles were stretching. The bags seem to be scraping along the ground once in a while. After seeing the picture, I’m starting to think that I’m really developing a problem. My arms — they’re getting longer. Does it look weird? Am I imagining it? That would explain the tingling, the sensation loss, the lack of blood flow… YIKES

So here’s a shocker for y’all.

Similar to the forced change to digital cable, when we had to pay more for our cable service, forced to rent a cable box, and the analog was switched off……

Two days ago there was a major change in price for the Kiev Metro system. It used to cost 50 Kopecs (about 10 U.S. cents). Once on the Metro, you can go anywhere you want for the same 10 cent price. Sure, some of you are saying “that is ridiculously cheap.” In fact, I wholeheartedly agree. But also remember, the average wage here is somewhere around $500 per month, and inflation is at like 20% or something. So every little bit counts — and also remember, this was a communistic society for 70 years; public transportation had always been provided at a very low cost (I’m told it was 5 Kopecs a ride 25 years ago).

That being said, without warning the Government raised the price of the Metro fair by 4 times. FOUR TIMES THE PRICE for every single passenger (except for invalids and old farts)! Oh, that’s right… the government is running out of money – so let’s just QUADRUPLE the price of the metro. The NEW FARE IS 2 HRIVNA.

I was stunned. We were all stunned. Our old Metro Coins (tokens) didn’t work any longer, and there were HUGE cues to buy the new tokens. Moreover, they did install new machines, but it only accepts 2 Hrivna notes!!!!  No, you can’t put in 2-1 Hrivna notes. Nor can you get 5 tokens for a 10 Hrivna note!   Ha Ha Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa hhhhhaaaaa hha ha ha ha ha… Nutty!!!!  Who makes those decisions ?

But what can “the people” do?

Not much.

I just can’t imagine the government trying to do that in America. No way, no how. There’s only legitimate screwing of the public in America

Crazy times.

Oh yeah… and the World Bank just gave the Ukrainian (IMHO, crooked) Government 16.5 BILLION dollars. HA! What a joke. What a f’n joke.

I thought you folks in civilized countries might like this.

Due to the financial crisis that is impacting the world right now, the banks in Ukraine told everyone that they can’t take their money out.

Yep! ALL BANKS – who have your money, have been told by the Ukrainian Ministry of Finance (or something like that) to refuse to give people their money!

HA!

pretty wacky!

It’s no wonder 90% of people keep their money in their mattresses.

Moreover, in case you didn’t know it, the Ukrainian currency has been devalued twice (I think) in the current era (once in Soviet times, once post-Soviet) –> where the “central bank” simply says “your money is now worth 1/100th of what it used to be worth: Get used to it!

The people in the know would take out HUGE LOANS right before this happened. Then, with merchandise in hand, the money would deflate, and they would pay off their loans (houses, cars, etc…) with their next meager paycheck.

Yep, they serve it everywhere. It’s called Pivo. And they drink it like it’s water.

I snapped this picture at a little varenikey joint, but they also sell it at McDonalds.

I couldn’t agree more!

Some things should be changed in America: "Skip the fast food, I'll have a Slavutich on tap, please."

I was taken back by what I saw at the market today. Sure, continuing commerce is obviously a necessary part of “market life,” but seeing the massive hunk of meat was a bit surprising. I guess I’m more used to seeing it all chopped up.
A single man, obviously under strain, was carrying an entire side of beef (the torso of half a cow) through the middle of a crowded open air market – heading for the МЯСО (meat) shop.

I don’t know why I was so surprised, but just seeing half of a cow propped up on this guy’s shoulder, and watching it bob up and down ever so slightly in tune with the man’s strained gait, was, well … awesome. The market-goers parted like the Red Sea as the side o’ beef approached its final resting place.

Sorry, no pic of the side of beef… but trust me, it was awesome.

I think the main difference is that in the USA there would be a delivery truck pulling up to the rear of the market at daybreak, and using a dolly or a forklift, or at least one or two additional helping pairs of hands, the hunk-o’-meat would be transferred directly to the butcher’s freezer.

Thought I’d share that with you.

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As an afterthought, I decided to give you some idea of what the meat markets look like here. These are the places where almost everyone buys their meat. Sure, sure… you can go to the supermarket and get it — and increasing numbers of people are doing so. However, the meat is not nearly as fresh (as you can imagine), and the prices are generally a bit higher. But hey, anything that is remotely “Western,” culturally speaking, is (more or less) a success here. Thus, Western-style pre-packaging and shelf display with individual price-tags is making headway into the cultural landscape.
Anyway, I guess I find a bit of fascination with seeing the meat out in the open air. I don’t know why, but I do. No, no, no, no NO. NOT in a perverse way, you freak. I think it comes from having taught anatomy for 7 years as a grad student. Once in a while I take pictures. Here are some examples (though I try to be sly, sometimes I just break out the camera and don’t give a damn). The vendors (frequently heavy-set ladies in their 40′s-50′s) just look at me kinda like I’m an alien.

* Enjoy *

Obviously the picture below was taken last winter, around the holidays (actually many of them w. Yes, those are holiday decorations on the walls/ceiling. Who needs a freezer when it’s 0° outside/inside. The funny thing is that the same tables have meat on them in the height of the summer, when it’s ~40° outside/inside.    Mmmmmm, can’t you smell it?   To be fair, only the beef and pork are allowed to stay at this temperature — the chicken is [almost] always refrigerated.  Fish is hit or miss — sometimes frozen, sometimes just a headless body sitting out baking in the sun, with an old lady asking almost nothing for it.

So this woman sells chicken. Note the bare hands. Yep, all day long she grabs birds or bird parts from her fridge. Also, note that the chicken gets put on the bare metal. I bet she wipes it clean at least once a day, probably more.

Then, mmmmmm…. the fish.  I have really learned to love fish since being here. Great stuff, and all kinds. Yes, I’m even loving the sardines (albeit every sardine must be followed by a shot of vodka). Seriously, though, the smoked fish is outstanding!

Then we have rabbit. Yes, I know it’s a rabbit because they left the fur on. “Why,” you ask? Because if they didn’t leave the little furry foot it would look almost exactly like a cat. I’m sure that’s been done countless times. On the left are ducks and hens.

Probably needless to say, one of the Ukrainian favorites is sausage (колбаса). Yes, there are lots of excellent sausages. I try to find the ones with lower fat, but it ain’t easy.

more sausage…  Some we just buy for the cats (as mentioned in the Kitty post).

Oh, and сало (lard). Mmmmm… I must admit, this is pretty tasty. They prepare it in lots of ways. They love it as CHUNKS in their eggs. This, I cannot stand for. Makes me want to vomit. However, if the сало is minced with a bit of garlic, and then spread on some black bread — DAMN!   good stuff.

Often you can see the сало rolled up on tables (below). Also, there are a few rumps for sale

Finally, you have pig parts. In the center (below) is the greater omentum (a piece of belly fat that hangs off of the stomach). On the right in the back, note the butcher block with a hatchet. And just to the left of that, the pig head with the ear removed. I think the ear is just to the right of the snout. Oh, and the feet, those are at the bottom right.

What, you wanted a closer look at the head?

here’s one that was already skinned… What exactly they do with them, I’m not sure. OK, I just asked my wife: I think they make head cheese from it (DUH!). It’s a German dish, as you may know. Basically they boil it on very low heat for many hours. Then they pick off all the meat, skin, tongue, ears (if they are still there), etc… and semi-finely chop it all up. No brains though. Stick the meat/gelatin into an intestine and refrigerate it. Remove, slice, add mustard on a slice of bread – Heaven! (I’m told). — ooooh… there’s some head cheese a few pictures above, in the second sausage picture.

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Now, Enjoy your Breakfast, and get to work!