I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but just never got around to saying it.

Short and sweet… Here I go.

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SIX-PACK

(6-PACK, 12-PACK, CASE, or otherwise…)

OF BEER IN UKRAINE.

It’s the strangest thing. I mean, I would think that it would foster higher beer consumption when you bundle beers together, no? It should lead to more beer being sold, no? Not to mention the basic fact that using a bit of cardboard to bundle beers together makes them SIGNIFICANTLY easier to carry and transport.

Instead, every beer is sold individually. I’m not kidding! And they sell minis (0.3L), standards (0.5L), large (1.0L), and very large (2.0L) beers.

Instead of this:

You have this:

Strange. Really. Especially because there is so much beer being consumed.

I see a business opportunity here.

Maybe someone else knows something about the market that I don’t.

I was laughing the other day when I was talking to my brother in the States. He asked how everything was going with the expecting to be, and I said “just fine.” He asked what we were up to, and I said that the wife is making some drapes.

Our room without the drapes on the far wall.

He stopped. He laughed. He doubted that it was true. I said, “no really, she’s making drapes right now.”

He replied and said that every single one of (4 or 5) of the pregnant women he has come across in the last few months have made drapes. I’m wondering… how in the hell does that come up as a topic? I mean, it’s not an everyday question, is it?

Did he find that the first one was making drapes, thought it to be highly unusual, and then asked each and every subsequent expecting mother what she has done to prepare for the baby? At the time, I was also dumbfounded, and didn’t think to ask. These questions are somewhat rhetorical in nature, as I doubt I will get an answer unless my brother reads my blog and wants to chime in.

He, he… maybe I’ll subscribe him to my blog notification He’s my brother, I can do that.

Shopping for Drapery. Has anyone seen a shrubbery around here?

So as you can see, the “making drapes” thing was for real. And after Bro mentioned it, I thought it would be good to document our drape production, if for nothing other than posterity. Plus, I can then show it to you!!! How, utterly, exciting!!!

Walking the Drapery Aisles

We had to choose one pattern, and this is it! It matches the room OK, I love the BLING, and it's pretty thick so as to not allow too much light through. You should see the back side!

Layed out and ironed, we (used overtly proverbially) measured, and made final preparations for sewing. No, I'm not exactly sure why the picture is squashed.

THERE SHE IS --> hard at work. She's damn good at it too!

Here's a close up of her fine needlework. Where's the damn ring I bought you?

The drapes are hung and opened (night time)

Here is what it looks like in the daytime, with the drapes drawn. However, we open them during the day, and close them at night, usually!

That’s all for now. Exciting stuff going on here in Kiev!

Is it really the middle of February already? Yikes!

I’m sorry, but you couldn’t pay me enough to take this job. Sure, I understand that some people are so “down and out” that any job is a good job. Butt really, spending your days in a toilet? Even if it’s the beginning of your life and you are saving money to buy that new toy you want. Even worse, when it’s the twilight of your life… why would someone take this job?

And when I say toilet, I have to clarify. No, this isn’t a nice hotel, restaurant, or theater, where a courteous gentleman or woman in official dress offers to dry your hands or provide you with a squirt of perfume or cologne (perhaps for a dollar) before returning to your seat. Nope. This is a toilet (туалет) that rarely has paper, that may have dividers, that may include porcelain, is generally enclosed without windows, exudes gag-provoking fecal fumes, encourages “no contact” behavior, and sometimes has sufficient lighting to see what you are doing. Then, to add insult to bladder-bursting injury… you have to pay for it.

Butt wait, you cannot simply place a coin in a jar. Someone would steal it… duh! There is actually someone who spends the better part of their waking day (dare I say life) collecting about 15 cents from each customer, per use of the “facility.” Well, unless I feel that I’m about to cause irreversible, irrevocable damage to critical internal organs, I will not pay for a toilet. Something seems wrong about living in a city where people pay taxes and having to pay again to do something that everyone has to do (by design) every single day of their lives. I’d much rather use the need to use the restroom as a good excuse to grab a drink in a local shop that has a bathroom for it’s customers. I guess not everyone can or want to spend money like that.

Nevertheless, when one’s wife is well into her pregnancy, requiring the use of a restroom every hour or two (tops), there are inevitably going to be times when even this place appears like a gold mine. I thought it might be worthy of a picture.

In fact, this was one of the nicer establishments I’ve seen. But when my wife left the corrugated metal enclave, she looked as though she was about to vomit – and not, she wasn’t about to go back inside to do it.

[flashvideo file=videos/toilet.FLV /]

A waddling market goer.

I also began thinking about the money exchange taking place inside. This, I’m afraid, is just wrong. It goes against human nature, I think. One wants to bury the leaves they used to wipe their ass, not use them as “change for a 20.” Talk about speading “germs.” And then I was thinking… the person in the toilet must actually be responsible for cleaning, to some extent. Gnarly.

My advice: Make sure you always carry exact change!

Or, just consider your overpayment a donation to the cause…

I’ve heard that the plastic bag is the bane of some scenic landscapes in this part of the world. I’m sure it must be really bad in some places. Here in Kiev, everyone uses plastic bags, every day, in every way. Of course they are used for garbage, and for containing leaking fluids, among the millions of other uses. And yes, there are plenty of bags floating around without an owner. Fortunately, people often DO recycle plastic bags here, but still, they escape their hominid owners all too often, and drift away in the wind, only to be caught by a tree branch, lay in a gutter, or be collected and subsequently discarded again because it was deemed to be incompetent and/or wortheless. It’s sad, but I’ve witnessed the forests being littered with plastic bags. People here don’t really care for the environment, if you didn’t know. Not sure exactly why. But I guess if I think more about it, there’s all kinds of undesirable crap that people leave in in the forests (and elsewhere). And from that perspective, plastic bags aren’t a big deal, really.

Nevertheless, my primary experience with them is that they cut into my fingers when carrying 10+ kilos of foodstuffs back from the market. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. We don’t have a car! So whatever we wanna eat or whatever we need for our home, we gotta carry. Whenever we leave the house, one of the most common departure questions is “did you grab any bags?” Anyway, going to the market is a daily routine, for the most part. Sometimes it’s just for a light bulb, maybe some dairy and bread, or perhaps just a bit of cat food… but other times we end up loading up. For these outings, one either needs to have SOLIDLYconstructed plastic bags on hand, or an efficient way of carrying multiple bags. If desperate, you can always buy a bag at the market (for cheap), as you might have already guessed.

Anyhow, I’ve learned, even during the summer, that the best way to prevent spilled blood is to keep a pair of gloves with me at all times. Otherwise the time spent in the market, in addition to the time it takes to walk the >0.5km home will leave it’s mark on the skin covering your phalanges. I keep thinking that there needs to be a small, easy to stow, sturdy handle that would facilitate carrying bags, without losing a finger. More accurately, it would prevent circulation loss, tenderness, insensitivity, and freezing of your digits.

Any way you look at it though, the plastic bag is here to stay. My only real complaint now is that I’m carrying too much weight. Actually and to be totally honest (sort of), my arms have begun to hurt. I had my wife take a picture of me after we walked in the door last time…

For a while I was thinking that the bags’ handles were stretching. The bags seem to be scraping along the ground once in a while. After seeing the picture, I’m starting to think that I’m really developing a problem. My arms — they’re getting longer. Does it look weird? Am I imagining it? That would explain the tingling, the sensation loss, the lack of blood flow… YIKES

I was taken back by what I saw at the market today. Sure, continuing commerce is obviously a necessary part of “market life,” but seeing the massive hunk of meat was a bit surprising. I guess I’m more used to seeing it all chopped up.
A single man, obviously under strain, was carrying an entire side of beef (the torso of half a cow) through the middle of a crowded open air market – heading for the МЯСО (meat) shop.

I don’t know why I was so surprised, but just seeing half of a cow propped up on this guy’s shoulder, and watching it bob up and down ever so slightly in tune with the man’s strained gait, was, well … awesome. The market-goers parted like the Red Sea as the side o’ beef approached its final resting place.

Sorry, no pic of the side of beef… but trust me, it was awesome.

I think the main difference is that in the USA there would be a delivery truck pulling up to the rear of the market at daybreak, and using a dolly or a forklift, or at least one or two additional helping pairs of hands, the hunk-o’-meat would be transferred directly to the butcher’s freezer.

Thought I’d share that with you.

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As an afterthought, I decided to give you some idea of what the meat markets look like here. These are the places where almost everyone buys their meat. Sure, sure… you can go to the supermarket and get it — and increasing numbers of people are doing so. However, the meat is not nearly as fresh (as you can imagine), and the prices are generally a bit higher. But hey, anything that is remotely “Western,” culturally speaking, is (more or less) a success here. Thus, Western-style pre-packaging and shelf display with individual price-tags is making headway into the cultural landscape.
Anyway, I guess I find a bit of fascination with seeing the meat out in the open air. I don’t know why, but I do. No, no, no, no NO. NOT in a perverse way, you freak. I think it comes from having taught anatomy for 7 years as a grad student. Once in a while I take pictures. Here are some examples (though I try to be sly, sometimes I just break out the camera and don’t give a damn). The vendors (frequently heavy-set ladies in their 40′s-50′s) just look at me kinda like I’m an alien.

* Enjoy *

Obviously the picture below was taken last winter, around the holidays (actually many of them w. Yes, those are holiday decorations on the walls/ceiling. Who needs a freezer when it’s 0° outside/inside. The funny thing is that the same tables have meat on them in the height of the summer, when it’s ~40° outside/inside.    Mmmmmm, can’t you smell it?   To be fair, only the beef and pork are allowed to stay at this temperature — the chicken is [almost] always refrigerated.  Fish is hit or miss — sometimes frozen, sometimes just a headless body sitting out baking in the sun, with an old lady asking almost nothing for it.

So this woman sells chicken. Note the bare hands. Yep, all day long she grabs birds or bird parts from her fridge. Also, note that the chicken gets put on the bare metal. I bet she wipes it clean at least once a day, probably more.

Then, mmmmmm…. the fish.  I have really learned to love fish since being here. Great stuff, and all kinds. Yes, I’m even loving the sardines (albeit every sardine must be followed by a shot of vodka). Seriously, though, the smoked fish is outstanding!

Then we have rabbit. Yes, I know it’s a rabbit because they left the fur on. “Why,” you ask? Because if they didn’t leave the little furry foot it would look almost exactly like a cat. I’m sure that’s been done countless times. On the left are ducks and hens.

Probably needless to say, one of the Ukrainian favorites is sausage (колбаса). Yes, there are lots of excellent sausages. I try to find the ones with lower fat, but it ain’t easy.

more sausage…  Some we just buy for the cats (as mentioned in the Kitty post).

Oh, and сало (lard). Mmmmm… I must admit, this is pretty tasty. They prepare it in lots of ways. They love it as CHUNKS in their eggs. This, I cannot stand for. Makes me want to vomit. However, if the сало is minced with a bit of garlic, and then spread on some black bread — DAMN!   good stuff.

Often you can see the сало rolled up on tables (below). Also, there are a few rumps for sale

Finally, you have pig parts. In the center (below) is the greater omentum (a piece of belly fat that hangs off of the stomach). On the right in the back, note the butcher block with a hatchet. And just to the left of that, the pig head with the ear removed. I think the ear is just to the right of the snout. Oh, and the feet, those are at the bottom right.

What, you wanted a closer look at the head?

here’s one that was already skinned… What exactly they do with them, I’m not sure. OK, I just asked my wife: I think they make head cheese from it (DUH!). It’s a German dish, as you may know. Basically they boil it on very low heat for many hours. Then they pick off all the meat, skin, tongue, ears (if they are still there), etc… and semi-finely chop it all up. No brains though. Stick the meat/gelatin into an intestine and refrigerate it. Remove, slice, add mustard on a slice of bread – Heaven! (I’m told). — ooooh… there’s some head cheese a few pictures above, in the second sausage picture.

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Now, Enjoy your Breakfast, and get to work!