I’ve determined that Soviet culture either doesn’t mind, and maybe even encourages, spitting. Yep –> whoever, wherever, whenever, whyever.

Why is whyever not a word?

It’s quite surprising to me because I was brought up in a culture where spitting was shunned – frowned upon. Only disgusting animals spit – like monkeys, camels, and snakes, among others. But here in a former Soviet Republic, I see humans doing it routinely – in the Fall, in the Spring, Winter or Summer – no matter.

Historically, chewing and spitting has been a part of everyday life for eons (I’m guessing). Just as a single example that comes to mind, nowadays it isn’t too hard to find a spitting contest – particularly of things like cherry pits. But please be careful, spitting can be dangerous.

There’s something raunchy, rough, tough, and overall “masculine” about the ability (and willingness) to spit. Am I right? In general, it seems to me, you are perceived as a “tough guy” if you can spit. For example, if you have power over someone else, you can exert that power in an absolute way: spit in someone’s face, and they can’t/don’t do anything about it. Gross! And Insulting!

However, at least based upon my upbringing, there’s something disgusting about noticing people spit. It’s considered impolite, and generally inappropriate if you can avoid it (particularly in a public place). Personally I really struggle with all the spitting that goes on here. Knowing what I know about disease and germs and such, having people walking in front of me when I’m downwind, and they go off, turn their head 90 degrees, and proceed to spray saliva into my headwind makes me gag. YUCK! It’s happened more than a few times. With the incidence of tuberculosis here, I’m sure I’m seropositive by now.

Sure… everyone feels the desire (once in a while) to gargle one up, snort one back, scratch one off the back of the pharynx, mix it up in the tonsil area, and hurl it (preferably downwind) through semi-pursed lips, creating enough force to eject the scourge as far from oneself as possible. Well, at least I think everyone does that once in a while – maybe not. But I admit it, I too enjoy it occasionally – and there is something satisfying about picking a target that’s outside of your normal range, and hitting it as if it were a laser-guided projectile.

To get to my point… it’s one thing to see a burly construction worker release a lung cookie after working up a sweat.. but what I find particularly disturbing is witnessing a finely dressed, attractive, young, apparently sophisticated woman hocking a loogie that would tip the scales at a solid 20 grams. I’ve always considered women to be a more refined version of men. I guess I’ve always thought that women had the mental capacity and restraint to do it when others are not around and/or watching. But that opinion has changed upon living in Kyiv. Here I see women doing it all the time. Old ladies, young ladies, babushkas, nuns, teenagers and supermodels. It’s bizarre to me. I don’t know — maybe I’m overreacting. I’m thinking you have to see it to believe it. But seeing apparently sophisticated women spit, and not giving an iota of thought as to what they just did in front of a crowd of people, is seriously bizarre to my Western Eyes.

For whatever reason, there is just something about spitting (expectorating) that is generally acceptable here. People also do it to be gross, and to demonstrate their semi-intentionally unrefined (peasant-like) nature. Indeed, there are a lot of immigrants from the country. Nevertheless, we-all-live-in-a-yellow-submarine, yellow-submarine, …. whoa, stop…. sorry, I digressed. We all live in a capital city, with millions of people, in big buildings, public transportation, personal vehicles, plenty of infrastructure, glass, concrete, etc…  With this in mind, I would like to think that we don’t live in the wild anymore. But obviously, some people still do.

It sucks that while walking to and from the metro station I find myself avoiding off-colored saliva bombs that litter the sidewalks. Green, yellow, clumpy and/or loose – there are all kinds of expectorations. Also, I’m sure a lot of this “spitting business” has to due to the absolutely ridiculous number of smokers here. Regardless, looking down and seeing phlegm littering the sidewalk is kinda gnarly, don’t ya think? I mean, if you are gonna spit, why not spit into the street, or off into the bushes/dirt? Why spit right on the sidewalk directly in front of oneself? There’s something to it, I tell you. Something ingrained in the culture that makes it both acceptable and “normal.”  I really don’t think the majority of people even thing about it for more than a split second – it’s part of the culture.

But referring back to the title of this post, seeing women do it just boggles my mind. My view has changed.

I’m telling you, it’s not hard when you see babushkas hocking loogies.

Fine, getting sprayed by spit undoubtedly elicits a sense of disgust by anyone in the way. But now, even the thought of stepping in it sends shivvers up my spine. From my perspective, whatever is on my shoe generally ends up very close to, or in, my apartment. Damn… maybe I’m gonna start leaving my shoes outside – or maybe I’ll create a sanitizing door mat hmmmm….

Nasty.

Enough for now, back to studying…

We were on our way to the hospital this morning, and I was sitting in the back seat of my BIL’s car. My MIL was next to me. We were having the usual chit-chat, exacerbated by the anxiety-provoking fact that we were all on our way to drop my wife off at the birthing center (tomorrow is the big day). I could have stayed there all day, but I have “important” stuff to do at the office . Anyhow, I can’t really recall how the conversation came up, but my mother-in-law asked me, straight up: Are you a Spy?

Of course, playing it up, I refused to directly answer the question. For the record, I am not a spy, in any sense of the word. Nevertheless, I got a kick out of being questioned. There’s no escaping that it is/was a reality here: there were/are spies around. These people grew up with the notion of spies trickling through everyday culture. This is in contrast, at least in my naive sense of reality, to my experiences growing up in California. People here are not exactly trusting of the government. KGB/SBU do follow people. I can only imagine what it used to actually be like, 20+ years ago in the USSR days. The government wants/wanted to know who is where, when, and why they were there. Oh yeah… and how they got there, and where they came from is also quite important, not to mention where they are planning on going. And perhaps, what are they doing, who are they meeting, which kinds of food do they like, what books do they read, who do they work for, and how many times do they wear their underwear before washing, etc…

Hmmmm… the more I thought about it, the more I could see (sorta) why she might consider the possibility that her son-in-law was actually an American Spy – in Kiev. I just had to laugh, because I’m so far from a spy that it’s not even funny. So, I chuckled while staring out of the moving car at the new “higher speed railway” that’s being built – and I made a mental note to write about me, being a spy   !

I think the closest I got to a spy (knowingly) was meeting this guy. I knew his son, Sean, in high school (yep, Beverly).

These people celebrate in a way that is completely foreign to the USA. Forget about the vodka and hot chicks wearing next to nothing in the after hours dance clubs….

This is unregulated, unsupervised, unrestricted, unaccompanied, unwieldy, untamed, unconditional… celebration of the new year.

with fireworks, that is…

It is currently approximately 2:30am (Jan 1, 2009, in Kiev — though it’s still 2008 in the USA), and the fireworks are STILL going strong, all over the City of Kiev. I didn’t get to experience the vastness of the celebration when living on the other side of the Dnipro River, last year. Sure, sure… I saw some fireworks, and I enjoyed them.

But the view from our new apartment is, relatively speaking, OUTSTANDING. We have close to a 225° view if you move from the bedroom to the living room/kitchen.

There are fireworks going off all over the City. Anyone can buy them, anyone can deploy them, anyone can set them off, and everyone can enjoy them.

I hate to say it, but at one point it looked like the landscape view of Baghdad on CNN back in 2002. Lights flashing as explosives went off over all parts of the city. Flashes of light so far away, that you couldn’t hear the sound — but you could definitely see the combustion.

Still, as I write, fireworks are surrounding the environment around us. It is both brilliant and beautiful. It is not like a single celebratory display at the local town center. More like a thousand displays ALL OVER THE CITY. I’m not kidding. I can only assume this will proceed until dawn. Most people stay awake until the sun rises on the new year. I would consider doing so too, but I’m old, and don’t really feel the need to do so… this year.

Well, maybe I’ll set my alarm…

Happy New Year…. and…  С Новым годом!

So here’s a shocker for y’all.

Similar to the forced change to digital cable, when we had to pay more for our cable service, forced to rent a cable box, and the analog was switched off……

Two days ago there was a major change in price for the Kiev Metro system. It used to cost 50 Kopecs (about 10 U.S. cents). Once on the Metro, you can go anywhere you want for the same 10 cent price. Sure, some of you are saying “that is ridiculously cheap.” In fact, I wholeheartedly agree. But also remember, the average wage here is somewhere around $500 per month, and inflation is at like 20% or something. So every little bit counts — and also remember, this was a communistic society for 70 years; public transportation had always been provided at a very low cost (I’m told it was 5 Kopecs a ride 25 years ago).

That being said, without warning the Government raised the price of the Metro fair by 4 times. FOUR TIMES THE PRICE for every single passenger (except for invalids and old farts)! Oh, that’s right… the government is running out of money – so let’s just QUADRUPLE the price of the metro. The NEW FARE IS 2 HRIVNA.

I was stunned. We were all stunned. Our old Metro Coins (tokens) didn’t work any longer, and there were HUGE cues to buy the new tokens. Moreover, they did install new machines, but it only accepts 2 Hrivna notes!!!!  No, you can’t put in 2-1 Hrivna notes. Nor can you get 5 tokens for a 10 Hrivna note!   Ha Ha Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa hhhhhaaaaa hha ha ha ha ha… Nutty!!!!  Who makes those decisions ?

But what can “the people” do?

Not much.

I just can’t imagine the government trying to do that in America. No way, no how. There’s only legitimate screwing of the public in America

Crazy times.

Oh yeah… and the World Bank just gave the Ukrainian (IMHO, crooked) Government 16.5 BILLION dollars. HA! What a joke. What a f’n joke.

Seriously…. That’s 2 for 2. Two days in a row, right out in front of my apartment building, there were 2 dumb-ass accidents.

It’s a very typical 3 second incident. 1) We hear cars accellerating more than they should be. 2) We hear tires screeching for about 1 second (maybe even a horn). 3) We hear impact (“BLAM”). 4) We hear Russian swearing, from one driver to the other. 5) We subsequently hear horns honking, because the traffic backs up.

Crazy drivers are abound. Actually, STUPID drivers are abound. I have been wondering why they all suck so bad. I’ve come to realize that it’s because they aren’t used to driving… historically. ONLY the very fortunate few (hard working with a well-paying job) had vehicles prior to dissolution of the USSR. So, unlike in America, there have NOT been generations of car drivers –> and thus, there’s little to no comprehension of driving etiquette, skidding, speeding, inherent dangers, etc… which is normally passed on from one driving generation to the next. Moreover, because up and coming drivers in the States grow up in conditions where driving is SANE, they themselves become more sane drivers when they obtain their driver’s licenses.

ALL* OF THE UKRAINIAN DRIVERS ARE BASICALLY “NEW” TO THE SPORT. Note the asterisk next to “ALL.” The “Old-Timers” driving the 1970′s Lada’s and Volga’s are generally excellent, courteous, and aware road companions. Those older drivers have been behind the wheel a while; they know where they are going, they know what they are doing, and they know how to get there without killing anyone.

Now I don’t necessarily declare myself an expert driver, but I’ve been pushing the pedal for 23 (official) years now… with no accidents (one crash on the motorcycle). Not only that, but I’ve spent the last 10 years hanging onto handlebars on 3 continents — which had made me quite aware of all kinds of drivers. So for those reasons and others, I feel like I’m a pretty good judge.

To give you an idea… The Ukrainian (and Russian) drivers park wherever they damn well please. Totally annoying. They drive wherever they damn well please, too. The end of pavement does not mean the end of the road. Pedestrians do NOT have the right of way. Drivers turn whenever and whenever they damn well please. They STOP their vehicles wherever they please — like on a highway, or on a bridge — just to have a look over the edge. Seriously. Totally F’n retarded. They drive into oncoming traffic ROUTINELY. They drive on the wrong side of the road, and UP OFFRAMPS. They drive on sidewalks. They drive on train tracks. I’m not kidding. They pass on blind curves. They drive within inches of each other. They think a 0.07 second gap is plenty. They split lanes with full-size cars. They think rain enhances traction. They don’t think.

Furthermore, the bigger or more expensive car you have, the more rights you supposedly have. The people driving Land-Rovers, Mercedes, and BMW’s think they are absolutely privileged, and everyone should move out of their way, as if parting of the Red Sea. Really… it moves down the ranks from there. If you have money, you own the road. Why, you may ask? Because if you hit somebody (or even if they hit you), and they have a lot of money or a beautiful car — you could very well give up your entire year’s salary just to fix their bumper. So… basically it means to get out of their way.

Oh, and then there’s the young punks. They think of themselves as invincible — but really are careless, reckless, loony, stupid, self-absorbed, hot-shot, ignorant, retarded, foolish, naive, moronic drivers, and without question –> should not be allowed to handle such a heavy piece of machinery. But once again, if you have money, you can buy a license, so what does it matter? Moreover, if you get stopped by a cop, you can buy yourself out of the ticket. So… who cares???

Perhaps even more stupidly, NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY (perhaps 5% at best) of people wear their seat belts. No kidding. They think that holding onto the steering wheel will prevent them from flying through the windshield. Ha!!!! They need to see Red Asphalt.

Oh yeah… and you have the punks who rev, burnout, spinout, and then race their cars up and down the city streets and parking lots at 3 in the morning. Back and forth… for hours until the sun rises. You’d think the cops might care, might come by and break it up – but no. Fair warning to pedestrians… do not walk at night wearing dark clothing.

For what it’s worth, the bus, trolley, and marshrutka drivers are generally quite good. The obey most laws, and drive relatively sanely. Relatively. Taxicabs on the other hand are a total hit or miss. I’ve been in a couple of taxis where, I swear to God, I thought there was a really good chance I may not make it home in one piece. So recklessly stupid, I cannot even begin to explain. It pains me just to reflect upon those times — I wish I could strangle those assholes — they don’t deserve to accept peoples lives into their own hands. But hey, all you have to do is put a taxi light on top of your car, and you are a legitimate cab. Ha!

Alrighty… almost time for bed. Happy 4th of July!

A bit of an extreme title, I admit. But in lots of ways it is true. So many people here are “forced” into a life of corruption, bribery, scams, theft, extortion, illegality, etc. If you can’t put food on the table, what would you do? Starve??? So, a bit of money-taking from people that have more can hardly be considered a crime, right Robin Hood?

The average wage is so low, for the majority of jobs, that if you don’t get money on the side somehow, you can’t pay the bills. OK, fine… that may be a slight exaggeration, but without a doubt, it is significantly harder to pay the bills and have an average quality of life. And with Western culture creeping into spreading throughout the country (and the region), like a virus without an antibody to stop it, the desire to be rich and famous and be one of the “have’s” vs. the “have-not’s” is palpable. Everybody wants. And everyone wants cool stuff.

In my opinion it’s impossible for Westerners that haven’t been here to imagine what it’s like. But try. Try to imagine that you have [forever] been cut off from the majority of progressive worldly influences (unless the USSR government wanted to expose the people to them, which were apparently few and far between) — all until 15 years ago. At that time, the flood gates opened, so to speak. And now that bereft freedom is like a tidal wave spilling over the terrain, which carried a consumerism virus. The problem is that nobody has any money, or any equity for that matter.

People want more than they can have. Sure, greed is an age-old emotion. In the West, you can be legally greedy! If you can stick to the law of the land, and finesse a sweet life within the confines of democracy, then more power to you. Law and order serve as foundations for such fortunes and freedoms. But in Ukraine, at least from my perspective in the capital (Kiev / Kyiv), even the public officials are obviously on the take. From what I gather, they make so little that it’s nearly impossible to have a reasonable lifestyle if they don’t take from others. I suppose it similar in lots of 2nd and 3rd world countries — but for me, living here, it is a very new experience, and it makes me truly fear the law.
So, let me get to my point.

I have a couple of examples to share. And God, I really hope the Polizia don’t figure out who I am. The first example, and the trigger that elicited this post occurred to my brother in law (BIL). BIL got pulled over by the police last week. Not sure what he did — I think it was just a “routine stop.” Let me explain…

Usually the police park their cars at known, consistent, pre-determined places on roads. After all, why should they go chasing people around in their beat up Lada’s? Why not let the “new rich” people come to them? This being said, I’m not sure why the pulled BIL over; he doesn’t have that nice of a car. So… the cops sit in their cars, or the little “lifeguard” stations that they erect — and they wait. Funnily enough, the cops have these “checkpoints” set up at “funnel” locations. Points on major thoroughfares that people are forced to drive through. Ex: dams, bridges, highways, major intersections, etc… So they wave you over, and you stop. The inspect your papers. They run your name on their computer. If you did something bad in your past – you are in trouble. If there was something wrong with your car – you are in trouble. If you’ve done nothing wrong, and your car is in working condition – you could still be in trouble. You have a significantly higher chance of getting pulled over if the policemen are standing next to the road and if nobody is obviously parked on the road’s shoulder. That means the previous car just left, and that they are ready to make a few more bucks. You know… “Mama needs another purse…” Thus, they brandish white and red barber-pole like batons, and wave in the direction of the shoulder as you approach when they want you to pull over. Of course, the speed limit is often 25km/hr just before a patrol station, so they can get a good look at you.

Who? Who do they prefer pull over, you ask? Generally anyone in a BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Porsche, anything shiny, anything washed, anything new, anything. But the more money a person appears to have (because everyone with money damn well shows it by buying a shiny new car), the more likely they are to have a spare $20, $50, or $100 in their wallet. Who needs a reason? They have a baton and a radio! And God knows you would give them almost anything so they don’t concoct some reason to take you to the station — as you might not be heard from for a week. I’m afraid that when they pull me over, they’ll figure out I’m American, and feel as if they just hit jackpot, or found a golden ticket in “Willy Wonka Bar.”

So, back to BIL. When BIL had his documents returned to him by the police, one thing was missing. His car registration. In the nervous haze that follows the squeeze of adrenal glands, he did not check his documents and fled the “crime” scene as quickly as he could. About two days later, BIL started receiving phone calls from an un-named, non-telephone-number-leaving individual. Eventually the call came through while BIL was home, and the anonymous caller pronounced ownership of BIL’s car registration. What do you know — surprise, surprise, surprise, Gomer. The person wanted cash, and wanted to meet tomorrow in a discreet place, at night.

BIL, knowing that the bureaucratic red-tape involved in legally replacing one’s car registration is as thick as a Mississippi swamp, makes a reasonable demand. The price: $500 Hrivna ($100 USD). Obviously it’s a scam. The cops steal the rego (Aussie for registration), they give it to a couple of 18 y.o. kids (either cops themselves or perhaps their sons), the kids do the transaction in the dark in a non-descript place, and they split the cash with their fathers (I mean cops). Perfect little game by the Authorities – I’m sure it happens all the time.

So, how can you feel safe when the Cops are this corrupt?

God forbid you get caught drunk driving… it could cost like $500 USD on the spot — or they take you to the Station. They don’t want to take you to the station, they just want money. So, the take home message is that if you are going to drink and drive, have more cash with you. Oh, and supposedly in the new year the offense for drunk driving doubled — so the cops get to demand more. So drive a crappy car and look like you got no money. And drive the speed limit. And if they pull you over, have a bit of spare cash, and check your documents before you leave the scene.

The second example happened to my wife. We were planning on going to (I’ll just tell you it’s a ‘nearby country’ so as to not incriminate anyone) for a short holiday. No problem for me, holding a US passport, but for her (Ukrainian passport) it is a different story.

You have two options, go to the embassy and apply for a visa, or go through a travel agency who can process everything for you (for a price). We decided to go straight to the embassy, because we had already booked our hotel and airfare, etc… and didn’t need the whole shebang with the travel agent. When arriving, she stood in a queue. After about an hour, she found out that visas are processed by number, and by waiting in the line, you get assigned a number. The approximated that there was about a 2 week waiting period until your number will get called. You are required to show up at 7am each day to “check in” to make sure you stay in the queue. At this point, it would have taken about 2-3 WEEKS. Sure, that might be fine for someone who doesn’t have a job, and lives nearby… but for everyone else that’s a serious pain in the ass. That being said, there was a huge line of people waiting already.
The alternative: My wife asked the lady that doled out the queue numbers if there was any other way (other than travel agents, who have their own scams going on). Of course there was. This country runs on bribery. She was told directly that she could go speak with that “gentleman over there.” Typical sort: big, Russian looking dude wearing a long black leather coat, smoking a cigarette. Sketchy.

She walked over and said “I heard you can make things happen a little faster around here.” He replied, “What do you need done?” She said “A tourist visa.” He said it would cost 250 Hrivna ($50 USD), and he promised everything would be “taken care of.” Although she had all the paperwork already filled out, the leathered individual insisted that he fill out the paperwork at a nearby cafe. So, they went, and he copied the information onto new forms, and after the monetary exchange, instructed my wife to go around to the back of the embassy. Tell the guard that “X” sent you, and he should let you in. She inquired as to how he could assure her of this, and he said “that’s not my problem.”

So, she followed his instructions and went to see the guard around back. He let her in, she saw the relevant officer inside the embassy, and within 5 minutes she was out of there… and she should receive her passport in the mail within 10 days. Sure enough, it showed up with a shiny new visa.

The point is that most people can’t afford to pay 250 Hrivna to get a tourist visa. But for those that can, standing in a line for 2 weeks is absurd. And, they know that. It’s a scam! Welcome to the developing world.
I have to say, you learn a lot from living in another culture.

Ridiculous, selfish, stupid, macho, sexy, stupid, cool, classy, stupid, suave, elegant, and still… stupid.

They just don’t get it. Granted, it’s not all that different in Ukraine than in other parts of Europe (and the rest of the world) — but I thought there was some 100th monkey effect with some things we humans do. And I thought that addictively inhaling tar into one’s lungs was one of them — in fact, one of the more obvious stupidities.

Why do so many Ukrainians smoke cigarettes? Oh, maybe it’s the ads. They are everywhere. Billboards, buildings, airports, cars, markets, stickers, signs, etc… Or, maybe it’s because they are dirt fucking cheap. I saw some packs for $0.30 US Dollars. Yes. 30 cents — for a pack of 20. Stupid Americans are paying WAAAAY too much for a pack-o-smokes.

Maybe it’s because it restricts the blood flow to your peripheral structures – namely your skin – and thus, it helps keep your warmth inside during the winter. But wait a second, they smoke year round! Or, maybe it is because everyone does it – and to be cool – you can do it too! And you can kill yourself doing it — WAAAAY COOOOL.

Or, maybe it’s because it make your clothes smell like shit and makes your teeth brown. That’s always attractive. It leaves a great impression, over and over again.
Who knows? But damn it I get pissed off when they so readily throw their wrappers, packs, and butts anywhere and everywhere. Oh wait – they do that with everything, not just cigarette paraphernalia. But, that’s for another post.