Courtesy: americanprogress.org

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but just never got around to saying it.

Short and sweet… Here I go.

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SIX-PACK

(6-PACK, 12-PACK, CASE, or otherwise…)

OF BEER IN UKRAINE.

It’s the strangest thing. I mean, I would think that it would foster higher beer consumption when you bundle beers together, no? It should lead to more beer being sold, no? Not to mention the basic fact that using a bit of cardboard to bundle beers together makes them SIGNIFICANTLY easier to carry and transport.

Instead, every beer is sold individually. I’m not kidding! And they sell minis (0.3L), standards (0.5L), large (1.0L), and very large (2.0L) beers.

Instead of this:

You have this:

Strange. Really. Especially because there is so much beer being consumed.

I see a business opportunity here.

Maybe someone else knows something about the market that I don’t.

Well, it finally happened… I experienced my first dream in which I can remember – me – speaking in Russian!

Yes, I’m studying Russian. Not all the time, as my focus changes from week to week, and month to month. But, I have consistently been trying to actively improve my Russian language skills over time, and it’s one of my primary goals in living here in the Ukraine. Sure, I could have taken the “bull by the horns” and buried myself in the language… but alas, I’ve had other things to do, and other interests – even though a solid Russian language ability would likely have improved my experiences over the past 18 months. Blah, blah, blah – yadda, yadda, yuddah…  I’m doing it at my own pace.

Nevertheless, this morning I think I turned a proverbial corner. I dreamt that I was spaking in Russian! Funnily enough, I was sort of struggling to keep up with the conversation I was following (two others were talking while I was listening) –> but I was “catching the drift” of the conversation, and it was somewhat making sense. Then I chimed in with a “конечно,” during a pause in the action.

конечно means “of course” or “obviously.”

конечно is a word that is used all of the time in Russian.

It is pronounced like “konieshno.” (sort of)

Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with you, since I’m just now getting to bed, and I’m hoping to dream in Russian once again.

спокойной ночи  = good night!

Oh, and I found this link… and I thought it was interesting.

Well, I’m back home. It’s been a week now, and I’m enjoying the new apartment. It started snowing a bit yesterday, and more is expected. Hopefully it’ll be a white Christmas when we wake up tomorrow.

Our cat is growing and causing trouble.

Helen is growing and causing trouble too

Anyhow, I have a bunch to tell you about my trip to the USA. Had a fabulous time. Played a bunch of golf, saw a whole lotta friends, and traveled quite a bit. I’ll write about it in the next post, and put in a bunch of pictures.

It’s kinda funny how after you don’t write for a while, you (I) become reluctant to do it again. I have ideas that I want to write, but I just don’t get around to it… and/or I don’t think it’s worthwhile. Nevertheless, once I write once or twice, I get back into it. Stay tuned…

OK, so fires this week probably won’t catch. The fall weather has reared it’s rainy face. All week. Ugh!

The picture below was taken last week, but it makes the point, regardless of our current weather situation.

Fires are everywhere during the summer.

The picture is taken FROM our balcony. The charred area was undoubtedly begun by a lit cigarette butt. (Remember — approximately 75% of people smoke here. OK, maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but it is extremely high). My wife even suggested that some people start them on purpose. Why? I mean… Why?

The funny thing is that people walk right by the flames without flinching. I’m not sure if they even notice it. Kinda like a passing butterfly… it’s just part of the scenery.  I’ve seen countless fires along the sides of the road while driving out to our dacha. Smoldering, spreading, creeping and crawling fires that simply consume the dryness.

No firemen. No trucks. No water. No concern.

Weird!

I guess Ukrainians know that 99% of the time the fires will simply burn themselves out, as long as they aren’t proximate to forests, houses, oil tankers, etc. Who cares about individual little trees or structures without four walls, right?

It’s weird… to watch open fires burn without seeing anyone concerned, in the slightest. I guess it probably happens in other third world countries. Oops, I guess Ukraine is technically considered 2nd world, but you get the idea.

We rode the motorcycle out to the field the other day. Unfortunately the cows were on their way back home.

Download When Cows Attack

Thankfully the cows recognized us, and let us go about our business…

I saw some kids buying cigarettes and beer yesterday. I swear, they couldn’t have been more than 15 years old – tops. There’s no reluctance by any salesperson to sell to “minors.” But then again, I’m not sure if there even is such a thing as a “minor.”

I asked my wife, and she said “well yeah, of course; it’s 16.” “Oh,” I replied.

There has’nt been a single thing I’ve seen thus far (over a year) to suggest that there would be a legal age for anything. Especially if you have cash in hand.

Anyhow, these two freshly-crowned teenagers were just like any other kids walking to the corner store to buy a jawbreaker, bubble gum, soda, or a bag of Doritos. But in this case, they each walked away from the corner stand with a liter of beer in their grips. As they walked towards the park, they twisted off the plastic caps and began pickling their livers – at the ripe old age of 15. It’s kind of sad.

It was a shocker when I first arrived, but I’ve since become accustomed to it. However, I was doing the dishes today and I once again was dumbfounded by our home’s cutlery options:

We have 6 metal forks.

We have 1 metal butter knife.

ONE.

We have ~15-20 spoons (both small and large). Most food gets eaten with spoons
We have a satisfactory number of larger cooking utensils (scoopers, strainers, etc.)
We have NO knives over ~5 inches long, and all knives are dull. I try to sharpen them occasionally, but I’m no professional. I’m going to buy some real knives this week, I promise.
We have 4 glasses (mixed). All are small (~200 mL). We routinely have 5 people eating. Go figure.

We have ~20 assorted plates, ~20 various sized bowls and ~20 small serving dishes (2-3″ diameter), and sometimes ALL of them get used in a single meal. Mom is a masochistic dish user… and she loves to complain about doing all the dishes.

Well — PERHAPS DON’T USE EVERY DISH AND IT WON’T BE SO BAD?!?!?  Damn…
Of course, we cannot help but use all of the forks, knives, and glasses. Well… not exactly all of them, because we do have our good stuff (the “china”) in the cabinet, which is busted out for holidays only.

OK, gotta jam,

Snotty

Well… they turned off the hot water. Yep. OFF. Like none, non-existent, nothing comes out, nada. And in typical Russian (Ukrainian) style, there was NO NOTICE. Where we live, there are no hot water heaters. It is all centralized, and gets pumped into the buildings. Sure, a few people may have heaters (electric, on-demand water heaters) hooked up to their cold water just for situations like this, but not many have this — and we certainly don’t.

As I said, in typical Russian style, two days after the water was turned off there was a piece of paper taped to the space above the mailboxes saying that the hot water will be off until July 8. That’s another 2 weeks. Which if you can read between the lines, and again, knowing how inefficiently things actually get done around here — I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s off for another week past that, at least.

The worst part –> It’s not even that warm (outside air temperature) in Kiev yet. The Summer hasn’t “hit.” Some days, perhaps late in the afternoons, it does get warm — but it definitely isn’t July/August-type warmth. I think that there are still a few communities on the Left Bank that have hot water — maybe we should just go and raid their homes — They do the maintenance in a few phases.

Actually, I think my brother in law has the right idea. He, without notifying any of us, went out to the summer house with his girlfriend after work, and spent the night –> where there’s warm water now! The little snake, rat, varmint, gopher — menace to the golfing community.

The Reason for this turn-off:

The Government turns off all the hot water in order to do yearly maintenance on the pipes, filters, valves, heaters, etc… Fair enough, because I’d like the water to stay warm all winter long, and without interruption. In fact, our buildings are heated using water running through radiators in all the rooms… so it’s quite important that the whole system works properly — but damn, 3 weeks (or more) of cold showers –> Ugh?

I think they also like to save money (and not have to pay for the gas to heat the water). Who knows, really.

Either way, I’ve only been averaging a shower every 3-4 days (or more) anyhow — so what’s the big deal if I miss a half a dozen showers, and wait for the warm water again?

So recently I’ve been saying this to my wife. I don’t think she likes it, but it’s true, and I know it strikes a nerve – so I keep doing it to reiterate my feelings.

I feel like a DOG ON A LEASH.

I’m trying to learn Russian, and I’m getting better. However, I’m often times just led around and told what to do:

go here.

buy that.

watch this.

eat that.

look here.

stay there.

sit here.

stand there.

hold this.

carry that.

we’re going here.

we’re buying that.

let’s go to the store.

let’s go for a walk.

It’s time to…

blah, blah, blah…

Kinda like this: 

__________________________________________________

I also occasionally feel like an American on Parade.

It’s nice and all, to know that the friends we have like me, and want to get to know me. But in reality, I’m starting to realize that I’m not just me. I’m the American [husband]. We occasionally go to some friends’ house for dinner and drinks. It’s fun, and I like them… but I’ve come to realize that they obviously go out of their way to make it nice for THE AMERICAN. I didn’t feel like going last week, but Helen was in the City (Kiev) already, and she stopped by. Of course, we told them that I wasn’t going to attend — so it became a very average and typical Ukrainian meal. Which of course, there’s nothing wrong with — and it’s still very nice for them to be our (often quite generous) hosts for the evening. But in doing so, I now realize that they only go out of their way because the American is coming! Alright… maybe it’s not just because I’m an American, but being an fully red-blooded, California native, American citizen does inherently possess a special sort of status – for better and worse.

Whatever…

I just wanted to air out my feelings a bit. I really hate sticking out so much, and feeling like either a dog on a leash, or an American on parade.  (Maybe I’ll tell you more about my experiences later, but I’ve got to go eat my zavtra. Ofsanaya kasha dla zavtrak sevoydna utrum. Spaciba dla chitat.

It took a while, but finally the snow is falling. It has been quite a bit colder, and has snowed on and off for about a week now. At least for now, the snow is staying on the ground. It’s starting to feel like winter.

There’s a serene beauty to it. Cold, crisp, fresh. And life goes on as usual… gotta go to the store to pick up the daily/weekly fresh foods.

No, not the Oakland Raiders. They just plain suck.

But thank Steven Spielberg for making Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. I love Indiana Jones. Like many of you (at least when I was 15), I wanted to be Indiana Jones. But… it’s just a movie. So how do I get my Indie fix today?

I heading into downtown Kyiv a day early (by mistake) for a Mozart Balet, and ending up buying a legit copy of Indiana Jones for a measely $8. And, it comes in both English and Russian!

Next is Star Wars… but nobody seems to have it. I’m trying to get well known movies in both English and Russian (with both types of subtitles) because it can help me to learn more colloqial and conversational Russian — because I already know much of the scripts by memory.
Alrighty… time to pop it into the DVD player and enjoy. Peace.

Have any of you ever lived with your mother in law?

Sure, sure… it’s a rhetorical question, because so many of you have – especially if you have lived in a foreign country. It’s not as common in the States, but here, and I’m assuming in other places less developed and less committed to prodding the kids to leave the “nest,” it happens all the time.

I would venture to say that in this part of town, the MAJORITY of kids grow up and stay in the house. Upon meeting a significant other, they stay in the house! They have kids in the house. They grow old in the house, and they die in that house.

I think it has to be the poverty. I say this because I’ve been struggling with my mother in law, and holy shit — if I had the money I’d be outta here. There are good things and bad things, but sometimes those bad things drive me totally crazy. What can I say? I never even considered that I would be “one of those people” that struggles to live with their in-laws.

But, ALAS, I am. I wonder… would it be the same with my parents? Now that I’m older (approaching 40). Not sure.

That’s all for now…

I’ll post again tomorrow.

I’ve found myself to become more irritable as of late. The frustrations of life are setting in. The real issue is that I think this is “shrugged off” by native Ukrainians. They have always had to deal with the BS, the change, the insecurity, the lack of judgment, the inequality, the mud, the smell, the attitudes, the loudness, the lack of law, the selfishness, the struggle.

For me, this is new in many ways. Sure, I’ve experienced those (above listed, and many more) emotions and feelings in the past, for sure. Who hasn’t? Surely not a single, sound-of-mind human over the age of 20 years. However, coming from a culture where life is generally quite good — and coming to a very different place — is a struggle.

I’m finding that my coping mechanisms are being tested. And stretched, and queried routinely, and challenged. I thought I was doing pretty well, too. But lately I’m finding myself more sensitive, vulnerable, and irritable. I don’t like it.

I think I’m going to try to get out of the house more. Fuck it. Take the risk of going places that I don’t know, by myself, without a thorough understanding of the language to fall back on in case of conflict. Moreover, I cannot say that being an American is comforting. Though most people are friendly with genuine intentions, there are also nasty people out there — that would probably love to “get their hands on an American.” Thanks George. You had a chance to rally the world, and you truly screwed it up.

Whatever,

enough of my troubles. It just feels good to write it down. Sure, my wife is experiencing the same shit… but somehow because we are both going through it at the same time, and fresh perspectives are lacking, it doesn’t help to complain to each other about the same old things, over and over again. In fact, I think I’m getting a little testy with her. It’s just frustration: and there are peaks and troughs — and for whatever reason, this new year has brought a Mt. Whitney upon us.

Ahhhhh….. breathe deep.

Be happy to be alive. Every day. It is a miracle in the making.
Feel the air (cough) replenishing your vitality.

May there be whirled peas on your plate.

I’m not sure why, but I’m continuing on, somewhat, with my bathroom post…

I’m really not a scrooge… or a cynic… or even a clean freak (far from it); but I cannot seem to shake the need (desire) to fill in the rest of the world on everyday life in Ukraine. I’m sure it happens everywhere — but I’m here, and I’m telling you what it’s like here. And because I come from a relatively wealthy and clean environment, I find myself continually stunned about some hygiene habits. I’m sure that my professional training is contributing (consciously or subconsciously) to some of these thoughts… but nevertheless, I feel obliged to share them.

Moreover, I’d like to know whether or not other people think like me? God help them, if they do…

….

What do people think about sharing toothpaste tubes? Sure, sharing with your spouse, or even your kids goes without saying. But what about other people in your household. What about brother in laws, and their girlfriends that he brings over? What about your mother or father in law? What about the snot-nosed 8-yr old that licks the top of the tube?
Granted, there are many more important things in life to concern myself with – but this was on my mind, and it’s my blog.

The family has been sharing one tube of toothpaste (on the bathroom shelf). It gets gooey and gunky around the cap by the time it’s half gone (or half full – if you are a dedicated optimist). The goo or crusty paste isn’t inherently gross — but when I consider that BIL’s toothbrush dragged across the top of the tube not 10 minutes before I got to it, I stop, stare, and wonder if I really, really want to put that bit of toothpaste at the top of the tube (with bristle streaks still fresh) onto my toothbrush — and into my mouth.

So after 6 months, I was in the market yesterday and decided to get my own tube of Colgate. It was about 90 cents (USD). For peace of mind, and never having to think about it again — that is perhaps the best 90 cents I’ve ever spent.

I decided soon after I arrived in Kyiv that I would keep my mouthguard (my dentist said if I don’t get one, I’ll be chewing my food with “nubs” when I’m 60 — so I got one) and my toothbrush in my room. This was precipitated by the fact that all toothbrushes (6 or so) are left in a cup above our bathroom sink — all touching each other; which is nasty.

They all think I’m nuts, I’m sure. But I don’t care. Now I’m keeping my beautiful tube of Colgate in my room. My room (shared with my wife) is the only semi-personal space in the apartment. So, whenever I brush my teeth, I simply open my own tube, take a bit on my nice, clean toothbrush, and walk to the bathroom. My wife even thinks I’ve gone a bit overboard here.

Am I paranoid, freaky, silly, or ???

For some unexplained reason, we boil our milk (again, this is occurring in our household, and I cannot generalize such statements to include other domiciles — though I wouldn’t be surprised). Or perhaps, we are like the Munsters. Definitely not the Cleavers.

The strangest part is that MIL (mother-in-law) heat sterilizes it as soon as she opens it. Strange. And the milk (молоко) is sold in bags, I believe they are half or one liter containers, usually. If you want to keep it in the fridge, you need to fold over the cut corner and clip it, and make sure it stays upright! Or, you could decant it into something more “pour friendly,” because a bag just ain’t.

“Why?” I’ve asked numerous times. Supposedly milk (here) sours within 2 days of opening unless you heat it.

But as soon as you heat it, it acquires some funky precipitates, clumps, and/or floating films. What the hell? Why not just buy it, drink as much as you can in the first couple of days, and if it sours then use it for something else or pour it down the sink? It’s not that expensive.

I guess it’s not pasteurized? That doesn’t really make sense for all of the milk sold in the country (in stores) to be unpasteurized? Indeed, upon checking, it is pasteurized. Well, why does it go bad so fast? I will investigate this a bit more and get back to the post later.

I just couldn’t resist commenting, because I bought some milk late last night (8pm), and was sooo looking forward to having some fresh (un-boiled) milk with my oatmeal this morning — only to find out that MIL found it, opened it, and boil-sterilized it at 11pm last night. And of course, as with almost ALL OTHER FOOD that she cooks (and considers to be resistant to microbial growth), she leaves it out at room temperature all night long. What? What is wrong with this picture? It makes me want to hurl. (more on leaving food out for another time…)

Strange. Really strange. And yet, she freezes her butter…

time warp…

Added Feb 12, 2008: I found boxed milk — THAT LASTS A WEEK OR TWO!!!! Halelujah!!!!

Yaey! It snowed last night. Woo-hoo. There are a few moments when our global warming (thanks W for all your help here… not) allows for some chilled precipitation to settle on the ground. In a hundred years, you will have to go to at least 10,000 feet to see the white stuff.

Anyway… guess what? Weather-Underground calls for “freezing fog” today. What? What in the hell is freezing fog? Can you walk through it? Is it like freezing rain that floats in the air? Can you cut it with a knife? I guess I’ll have to go outside and see!

This morning I woke up to the warm smell of Kasha Ofsyanaya (oatmeal, in phonetic Russian) being prepared by Mam (Mother-in-law’s mis-spelled nickname). It was a fairly standard start to a winter day — the wife went to work, I’m on the computer for about an hour, and then it’s time for breakfast.

As I walk to the kitchen and peer out over the balcony at the fresh snow-covered park, I hear something very familiar hit the airwaves on our relic of an AM radio, which resides on the kitchen table. In fact, old “Nellie” stays on most of the time. It’s a classic from at least 30 years back, with soft blue and aged, still-yellowing plastic brandishing it’s bulky frame. With 5 buttons on the top it’s easy to quickly power up the massive transistor, which exhibits 4 frequency selection buttons. To date, I have yet to figure out how to tune it — I simply hit one of the buttons. I can’t understand most of what they say anyway, so what does if matter what I am hearing?

Anyhow, this morning it was bellowing the typical Russian pop-techo, pre-80’s, disco-type crap, which like a virus, has permanently (I’m afraid) integrated itself into the Soviet culture. Man, the New Year’s celebrations on TV were a blast from the past (but I swear it said 2008 on the stage). Much of the time I can’t stand the music filling the central part of the apartment, and I turn it off when I walk into the kitchen (only to find the radio turned on again after Mam has visited in the interim). Fair enough, she’s always in there cooking. This time, though, I left it on as I enjoyed the view of the fresh snow. Every once in a while I discover another snippet of Western culture “sneaking” onto the radiowaves, and I appreciate that perhaps not all Russians are stuck in a time warp.

This morning was the pinnacle of my Ruski radio experiences thus far. Alas… a diamond in the rough! I can’t believe my ears… could it… could it be… NOOO WAAAAY! Yes, it is. A fantastic (particularly in my deprived state) version of Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” on the radio. No, it wasn’t the original, but a pretty damn eloquent rendition by a stringed orchestra. Ahhh – Kashmir on the radio – what could be better? Sure, I have the internet, and iTunes — but hearing it actually come over the local airwaves elicited a feeling that cannot be mimicked by plugging in the iPod. No way, no how.

The hair on my arms stood on end. A smile appeared on my face. I reminisced about Zeppelin-associated memories (the back seat of the VW Bug). I bang on the windowsill like a Bonham wannabe, and belt like a Plant protege.
All of a sudden, life has some perspective again. Thank you Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Bonham and John Paul Jones! Thank you.

Ridiculous, selfish, stupid, macho, sexy, stupid, cool, classy, stupid, suave, elegant, and still… stupid.

They just don’t get it. Granted, it’s not all that different in Ukraine than in other parts of Europe (and the rest of the world) — but I thought there was some 100th monkey effect with some things we humans do. And I thought that addictively inhaling tar into one’s lungs was one of them — in fact, one of the more obvious stupidities.

Why do so many Ukrainians smoke cigarettes? Oh, maybe it’s the ads. They are everywhere. Billboards, buildings, airports, cars, markets, stickers, signs, etc… Or, maybe it’s because they are dirt fucking cheap. I saw some packs for $0.30 US Dollars. Yes. 30 cents — for a pack of 20. Stupid Americans are paying WAAAAY too much for a pack-o-smokes.

Maybe it’s because it restricts the blood flow to your peripheral structures – namely your skin – and thus, it helps keep your warmth inside during the winter. But wait a second, they smoke year round! Or, maybe it is because everyone does it – and to be cool – you can do it too! And you can kill yourself doing it — WAAAAY COOOOL.

Or, maybe it’s because it make your clothes smell like shit and makes your teeth brown. That’s always attractive. It leaves a great impression, over and over again.
Who knows? But damn it I get pissed off when they so readily throw their wrappers, packs, and butts anywhere and everywhere. Oh wait – they do that with everything, not just cigarette paraphernalia. But, that’s for another post.

So I have been meaning to write posts to my blog for a while… but it just didn’t happen. I was a bit overly concerned with how it looked, and how to organize it, and with so many things to say — I didn’t know where to start.

Well, sometimes you’ve got to just take the plunge, leap, what have you…
… and with the new year upon us today, I felt that it was important to make an agreement with myself to — JUST DO IT!  My first (and only) resolution.
Hopefully it will serve as a means of documenting an adventure that not many people in the West are directly exposed to.
Cheers, Big Ears.